Trying new things

Tried my hand at flower gardening last week! I must document this because odds are that by next week, all will be dead. I'm not one to follow directions- this has proven difficult in baking, sewing, vegetable gardening, photography... hmm, okay, everything. Yet, I'm stubborn like my Father and like doing things my own way. It's the creative process that I enjoy. Following directions brings little fun. Maybe it's my pride that gets in the way. However, I'm sure that results would be far different (and far better) if I simply learned from professionals. All this to say, I love Ranunculus and sure love that we have some in our yard. Even if just for a short time.  Next up is our vegetable garden! I learned a bit from last year's tomatoes and hope to have a more successful year.

 

Bump love

 

A year ago last week, we were finding out about our first pregnancy with Gabriel. Such joy filled our hearts. Abounding joy! As spring has fully arrived, I cannot help but remember those sweet weeks with our first babe and also re-feel sadness that we never got to hold that precious one in our arms. I am reminded of how spring turned into a warm and depressing summer, which then turned into a hopeful late Fall when we learned of our pregnancy with this little one in November. Winter was worrisome and fear filled my soul. Coming full circle, now the warm air fills my lungs with hope and happiness. Flowers bring luminous color that are a reminder of God's faithfulness. Our hearts are once again filled with overflowing joy and I anxiously await meeting the little human under this bump of mine. 

As Easter approaches, I think specifically of the trust Jesus had in his heavenly Father. Jesus knew of the pain and suffering he would feel on the cross. He even asked God to remove this cup from him-- to change plans so to speak. Oh, how many times did I plead with the Lord to give us back our sweet Gabriel. Oh, how many times I cried out in sadness and pain pleading for this to all just be a dream. But, ultimately, Jesus trusted God and remained faithful. Even while suffering on the cross, he reached out to the thief next to him offering forgiveness. I am challenged to have such faith, trust, and courage. It isn't easy living the day to day following heart ache. Many lessons are learned. The greatest for me being that I do not control this life of mine. As someone who lived hour to hour from her planner, this was quite the lesson to learn. But much needed. I don't know why tragedy happens, why innocent lives are lost. But, I know that I trust in God's plan for my life. Today's encouraging verse on my iPhone app reads, "But as it is written, 'what no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

I could not have imagined the life I have. I would not have planned it necessarily so. But I'm ever thankful that someone greater is in control. He has a beautiful plan for this life of ours. It is so difficult to see in the day to day, but even over the past year, I see immense beauty. I hope to look back 5, 10, 20 years from now and feel the same though I know that new heartaches will arise. 

Happy Easter week to you!

This was a spur of the moment, ten minute "let's get some real photos since I'm actually dressed nice" outing. Andrew lovingly agreed and did an amazing job. He has learned a lot through my photography journey and I think that he probably does a better job on the shooting portion. We went back to our favorite spot down the road. Last year's Christmas photo was taken on these same tracks and I look forward to taking more in the coming year as each season will bring something (or someone) new. 

It's strange editing photos of myself but I'm so thankful to have these and cherish each one. I only wish we brought the tripod and got Andrew in some of these. Maybe next time!

23 Weeks | Baby Reyna

 Today marks 23 weeks of pregnancy. Our sweet baby girl is the size of an eggplant at 1.3 pounds and 11.8 inches. As you can see, we are enjoying a spring break getaway at the coast with Andrew's family. What a treat it has been. 

We are chugging right along but the medical side of me is sure anxious to reach next week's mark (point of viability). Speaking of anxiety, each week seems to bring some new concern or issue. The Lord has protected us thus far, why is it so difficult to continue trusting and give up my fears? It's human nature. I truly believe that the devil uses fear as a foothold. And boy is it a strong one. A storm is rolling in as I type this. The wind is powerful, the waves crash on the shore, and the rain hits the window with force. I am reminded of God's strength. His might. 

“The seas have lifted up, O LORD, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves. Mightier than the thunder of the great waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea—the LORD on high is mighty” Psalm 93:3-4. 

I always thought pregnancy to be such a wonderful time- full of excitement and joy. Don't get me wrong, it certainly is. What a blessing it is to be carrying this life. But, I had no idea the amount of worries and fears I would carry each day. Maybe this wouldn't be so if we hadn't lost our first. Maybe it wouldn't be this difficult if I were another type of nurse. Or maybe it would. Trust me, I know and have seen far too much. All the more reason to place my trust and faith in my Lord. All the more reason not to give the devil this foothold. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, this takes daily effort and hourly prayer. It takes encouraging friends who seem to always know the right words to say. It takes a husband who will listen to my fears and worries and calm each one. It takes a dear mother who I know prays for me daily and who checks in frequently. It mostly takes centering my mind and spirit on the grace and providence of God. It takes surrendering my fears and worries and being okay with the outcome because my trust and faith in the Lord's plan for my life is greater than the path I would choose for myself.

Sweet baby girl, I know that worrying does no good. Fear is not healthy. But I also know that I can't do this on my own. I know that God gives us storms to weather and the strength to get through; what a beautiful storm this is. How I can't wait to see your darling face, to hold your little body on my chest. In this waiting time, this growing time, I am doing my best to surrender these fears. Keep moving, keep growing. How I pray that you will know the Savior's love. I pray that your faith will be stronger than your mamas. That your soul will overflow with trust in the midst of your deepest heartache. We love you so very much sweet girl.

I've been so calmed and encouraged by the following song by Hillsong United. Not only is it beautiful, but speaks such truth.

Oceans

'Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide...When fear surrounds me, you never fail and you won't stop now. So I will call up on your name.  And keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace. I am yours. And you are mine.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior.'

sugar and spice

 I remember being a youngster and climbing into the corner of my closet. In that corner lived my favorite books, a few toys-- my hidden treasures. One of my books had the nursery rhyme: 

What are little boys made of?
What are little boys made of?
Frogs and snails,
And puppy-dogs' tails;
That's what little boys are made of.

What are little girls made of?
What are little girls made of?
Sugar and spice,
And all that's nice;
That's what little girls are made of.

At that age, I took things quite literally. My own brother liked snails and frogs. He desperately wanted a puppy dog. That made sense. While I spent many an afternoon out in our Texas forest of a back yard climbing trees, saying hello to the cows who lived behind us, hunting for roly poly bugs (potato bugs- for you Oregonians), or frogs for the big bonus, I was the sweet one. My gymnast self flipped and twirled for the elderly onlooker. My rosy cheeks and blond-curled-hair spent the mornings sitting on the bathroom counter while Mom got ready for the day. I tried and tried to brush my hair like she did, we talked, I listened to her sing. I like to think that I was sugar and spice, and all things nice.

I have fond memories of early childhood. I think about our future as a family and what our little girl's memories might be like of her early days. Due to Andrew's career, I foresee many moves. Many changes. Many adventures. I hope our daughter can look back on those early days and see consistency among the changes. Consistency in the way her parents love her. Consistency in her day to day. Consistency in how we support her and teach her. Consistency in how she sees us living out the love of Christ. 

One thing's for sure-- I hope our little girl is both sugar and spice, and all things nice. I look forward to discovering her interests and passions, to loving her just the way she is. 

After our growth ultrasound appointment, we had plans to meet up with Andrew's mom, brother, and our sister in law for dinner and gender reveal. With just 2 hours to go before our appointment time, I rushed to the store and found the only gluten free cake mix on the shelf and came home to bake away. I frosted half of the inside blue and the other half pink. Andrew came home just in time to strategically place the flags I had made so that he knew which way to cut the cake depending on the gender. This was definitely a rushed effort-hence the sloppy frosting job on the side. 

Before the appointment

About to find out!

Happy faces after our appointment...

Look at that darling profile!

We enjoyed calling my family (all out of town) on the way to the restaurant to share the good news but couldn't wait to share our exciting news with Andrew's family at dinner. My Mother in law showed up wearing a bright pink top- she must have had a feeling we were having a girl! Turns out, the cake tasted awful. I'll need to search for a better gluten free cake recipe/mix!

19 Weeks | Baby Reyna

 This past week was so very special in many ways. First of all, my dear friends, McKenzie and Catherine, both had their baby boys. It's such a joy to see them both holding their little loves and to think that in 20 or so weeks, I'll be doing the same. Congratulations my friends, I sure love your baby boys and hold them close to my heart. 

Most of all, this week was special because we found out that our darling baby is a little girl! After the ultrasound tech said, "It's a girl," I tuned all else out and was overcome by tears. Happy, joyous tears. Streams of tears that didn't seem to stop for a while. After seeing our Gabriel without a beating heart on that black and white screen, I seem to have a level of anxiety about ultrasounds. To say that I was anxious about this one is an understatement. Thankfully, the tech had already thoroughly checked the heart and brain prior to seeing the gender and all looked perfect. I was able to relax a bit more after seeing that our little one looked healthy and well. The rest of my life as a mother to a daughter flashed before my eyes. From sweet baby girl bows to teenage years, it all became so very real. 

It became overwhelmingly real and I simply can't wait to meet her. 

I began thinking of everything that comes with parenting a daughter- how I want her to feel loved and adored by her father like my father makes me feel. How I hope to be that listening ear anytime, anywhere for her the way my mom is for me. How I want her to be strong and brave like my Grandma and Aunt. Oh, how I hope she has a loving, selfless heart like my Mamaw. 

Andrew and I both thought she was a girl from the beginning. I just "knew" it and would have been quite surprised, but equally as excited, for a boy. Andrew's first words after hearing "girl," were, "scrunchies and bows!" Followed by, "Jenna, I need to put you on a budget asap, girls are expensive." We are both delighted and it melts my heart to hear Andrew call her his 'baby girl.'

Baby girl is the size of an heirloom tomato, weighs 9 ounces, and is about 6 inches long from head to bottom. She's kicking up a storm and Andrew has been able to feel her starting the night of our ultrasound. It's his favorite part of the day and that makes my heart oh so happy. 

Sweet baby girl, you are dearly loved. Each day with you is cherished.

15 Weeks | Baby Reyna

 15 weeks down, 25 to go. Still not much of a baby bump and feeling much better for the most part. I still have my crummy days, but overall am thankful to be feeling pretty fantastic. 

This week was extra special because we celebrated two of my best friends and their soon-to-arrive baby boys at their baby showers. Aka- automatic baby friends whether they like it or not. Otherwise, life continues on as normal. I'm learning that rest is important and necessary. I now am adjusting to make resting, napping, putting my feet up, etc., an important part of most days if possible. Even this early on, I can tell a big difference when I do too much and don't rest enough. I keep reminding myself that my "job" right now is to grow this little human as best I am able, and that includes giving into resting when able. Thankfully, I can do many things that "need" to get done while taking it easy- like hours of photo editing from recent photo-shoots.

Baby is measuring 4 inches long and weighs 2.5 ounces this week. I still love fruit, sandwiches, and hearing our baby's heartbeat on the doppler.

Keep growing little love!

A weekend together & 3rd annual self timer photoshoot

I end up taking lots of photos of friends and family, but rarely get actual photos of the two of us. So, we packed our gear and handy tripod (kitchen stool) and headed to this spot I've had in mind since last April. This inactive railroad lies adjacent to the Willamette river and glows if the sunlight hits the tree tunnel just right. Truth be told, I much prefer to be the one behind the camera than in front of the lens. Andrew too, I think. Hence, why we have seemed to make this self-photoshoot thing an annual event. Though, I do believe we'd get much sharper and better photos if we just gave in and let someone else do the work. 

There is something to be said for taking turns setting the camera and running to the said spot in 10 seconds. Lots of laughter!

We both had this past weekend off and it was oh so nice. We didn't actually do much of anything. Went out to eat, ran errands together, I sewed while he watched football, helped him cut his hair, caught up on tv shows together, accompanied each other to church etc. It was a very normal weekend. Nothing special. Just normal and so nice to just be together. 

While dropping Andrew off this morning for the start of a new rotation (parking is difficult & costly at OHSU), he told me that the past few days, he's gotten used to being together.  He explained that he already missed me for this week and it hasn't even started yet. Our opposite schedules really get old fast. But, good news folks, I'll be moving to day shift in a few weeks! Hallelujah! I cannot even begin to imagine seeing Andrew every day/night of the week. That sounds sad, doesn't it? Seeing your own husband every day? Imagine that!

 

this summer was an appetizer

He walked in the door late last night and we embraced. I knew my time with him was short as he had a "shelf" exam (test at the end of each rotation) in the morning and needed a major cramming session. Furthermore, I was on-call at work (those darn mandatory over time shifts) and could get called away at any time. A solid ten minute hug turned into big crocodile tears of relief. Andrew is home, home. For reals, home. "Summer" is over. It certainly has not been an easy summer. Besides recovering from our miscarriage and grieving that loss, the mister and I were apart for 2 and a half months. He was first living in Stayton for his rural rotation and then in Salem for his OB/GYN rotation. Ten weeks of little visits here and there; 10 weeks of short phone convos or little texts just to semi keep in touch. Our opposite schedules didn't help either. He mostly worked 7am-7pm while I work the opposite. Thankfully, he was relatively close to Portland and we made little visits as much as possible, but time is precious and certainly limited.

This summer has been a strength-building time. Strength in getting through each day, strength in not being an emotional basket-case (at least about him being gone), strength in sometimes not letting him know just how hard it was to have him gone. Just how much the quiet house made me sad. Because, he's thriving. He's learning. He's doing the work he was called to do. As am I. I'm learning to support him in this career of his. This life of ours. I'm learning to be the best wife I can be.

In the shortest way to possibly describe it, this summer was an appetizer. A small tasting for what our future will continue to look like for many years to come. I can chose to enjoy this appetizer and make the most of it, or have it ruin the rest of the meal. Here I am, peeking through a crack in the wall at what a future deployment(s) or TDY (temporary duty assignment) time will look like. At what busy residency may look like. I know that on the other side of that wall is a vast field of beauty. Hills of knee-high grass, wild flowers, shady trees, a beautiful home of our very own and a family of youngsters. And, we will thrive together as one. We will continue serving, continue living with the same passion and love for each other. These hard times will make us stronger. The hard times will keep coming. The beautiful times too. 

I think the Lord gave me a little extra dose of strength to get through this time apart. He gave me those little bouts of energy to make it for short visits, a little extra emotional-self-control, a little extra braveness. He certainly knows what his children need. His grace is sufficient.

Welcome home babe. Let's have a great weekend together sans work/school! 

25

Perhaps I have been avoiding writing about turning 25, or maybe I have been busy with family and friends this past long weekend. Perhaps both. Avoidance, because turning another year older is bittersweet. Especially when this year may not have included all I had hoped or wished. All of this to say, though there are bitter parts to getting older, I am choosing to focus on and share the sweet. The thankful. The blessings. The happy. The love. 

For starters, I am so thankful that Andrew had my birthday weekend off from his current rotation. Not seeing one another but maybe once per week is not my ideal way of living the married life. But- that being said, a very short time remains until my man comes back home again. Cannot wait. A weekend together was enough of a birthday gift. We were finally able to catch up, hallelujah.

With a lengthy stretch off work, I was overjoyed to get to head to the beach with my sister, my brother-in-law, and my little nephew. They came into town from Rhode Island as they are in transition to moving to Michigan. So thankful for their visit and the gorgeous coast. Seriously, we Oregonians are lucky to have such beauty right at our fingertips. 

 While the sea mist and sand was wonderful, the next day (my actual birthday) included a little post church family BBQ that my mother so graciously put together. Andrew and I both feel incredibly blessed to be surrounded by such a loving, kind family on both sides. Baby Reid stole the party's attention- I like it better that way. I love throwing parties and get-togethers, but when they are for me, it just feels awkward. So, bring on the cute little show-stoppin' babies!

 With full tummies, Andrew and I enjoyed talking late into the night about everything and nothing all at the same time. I love those times. I cherish those times. He remains the best gift I have ever been given. Really, truly- he's a keeper.

A few highlights from the past year:

-Another great year of working with some amazing women and new babies...

-A fantastic family cruise over New Years with all 26 members on my mom's side of the fam. So rare and special to all be together for that.

-Getting to support and watch Andrew transition from mostly classroom work to mostly hospital rotations. What a privilege to watch him blossoming into a real doctor (1 year and 9 months to go!).

-A year spent with one of my favorite little guys- Sweet Isaac. What a joy this year has been watching you grow and change with each week. Love you so much.

-3 months of bliss with our precious growing baby, Gabriel. A joyous time those months were indeed. 

-Moving into our charming house. Though it's old and quirky, it's been perfect for this time in our lives. 

-Countless mornings, afternoons, and evenings spent with dear friends. Oh, where would I be without the love and encouragement they offer. Truly thankful for each of them and each of our adventures over the past year. 

-We added "Pria" to our car collection this year. Pria, you're a great little prius and we both love you.

-Worked hard to become school-debt-free this year. Huge accomplishment and so grateful for the ability to do so.
-A year with a beautiful group of friends from our church community group. Living life together as professionals in healthcare, followers of Jesus, and young adults... What an amazing group to be a part of with so much in common.

-Becoming an Auntie!!!
-Using my camera as much as possible- photography is such a great creative outlet for me.
-A year full of far too many delicious starbucks drinks... Is there such a thing as Starbucks rehab? I think I need it! Or, I need to stop working night shift. Either will work :) 

No, we didn't take any huge vacations (besides the cruise), or do anything drastic. In fact, it was a growing year. A challenging year. A frustrating year at times. But, I have much to be grateful for. So very much. As I begin this new year in my life, I pray for continued strength and patience. I pray that love abounds in all that I do. I pray that the peace of the Lord fills my weary soul and that I might be reminded of all that I am blessed with and thankful for each and every day. I pray that my words and actions be a witness for the light that guides my life. I pray that God be glorified in all that I do.