Uncomfortable

 Polycistic Ovaries- this is what I have. Yes, I'm going to talk about it. 10% of women have this. It is apparently the leading cause of infertility. Polycistic ovaries prevent ovulation (only a tad bit important part of getting pregnant) and the cysts get there because of an overall hormonal imbalance.

It's a doozy. In women like myself, it's partially a mystery in the medical world. The majority of women with PCOS (polycistic ovarian syndrome) are overweight and have insulin resistance, along with an abundance of testosterone. This is not the case with myself. I simply have cysts covering my ovaries (literally covering) and a bit of a hormonal imbalance (minus the testosterone part). Many women with PCOS can get pregnant with healthy lifestyle changes. Again- not the case with myself. 

Dealing with infertility, let alone miscarrying was never something I envisioned having to handle. Does anyone? It came somewhat as a surprise to us. But, here we are, and we are handling it. 

I used to believe that God would never give me anything I couldn't handle. This statement is often quoted among believers (from the verse 1Corinthians 10:13). Now I see the flaw. I see that the Lord will indeed give you more than you can handle. He has given us "more than we can handle" on our own. That's the key. If he only gave us what we could handle on our own, we would never need Him. We would never grow or be challenged to fully lean and trust Him. Instead, the Lord has given us this hurdle, obstacle, quest- whatever you might call it- to grow and learn what it looks like to lean fully on Him. We were comfortable before this. We were all good. Yes, there was the stress of work, school, not seeing one another, etc. But, we were good. Looking back now, I see that we were not feeling challenged in our walk with the Lord. When comfortable, we take things for granted. When comfortable, we don't see the work of the Lord around us. We were comfortable. 

In this confusing time, this painful time, we are uncomfortable. We are challenged to make difficult decisions, challenged to lean and turn our eyes upon Jesus with each one. There are many routes one can take. Each with different paths. We are navigating those paths while continuing to live our daily lives and point others to Christ's light amidst our struggles. 

I am finding peace with our loss of Gabriel, but still very much grieving the whole infertility piece. It's a daily struggle, a monthly let down. It's expensive, it comes with many nasty side effects, it's just plain hard. It means asking for strength each hour of the day. It means asking for peace each minute of the day. It means surrendering my fears each second of the day. 

Much easier said than done.

By the grace of God, I get to work with women and babies each day. By the provision of God, I work where my passions lie. It's truly a blessing. While grieving the loss of our first baby and navigating our way through this dreaded infertility, it is also only by the grace and strength of God that I get through each day at work. There is much I remain thankful for. Mostly- my supportive, loving husband. He knows just how to calm my heart, my worries. Jenna, "there's no time limit on the love we have to offer our children... no matter when they come, it will be joy and blessings." Wise words. He's certainly a gift. No other man would I ever want to walk through this life with. I remain thankful for such supportive friends and family. They keep me going. Keep me encouraged. I feel their prayers and am forever grateful. 

I have hard days, very down days. Most recently nightmares...  Satan trying to grab hold of my heart and my mind. The devil will not succeed, he will not grab a foothold. Instead, I am challenged to abide in God. To acknowledge Him in all that I do. To seek his righteousness and the stillness only He can offer.

Psalm 23 still remains my heart's prayer. It still is what comforts me in the middle of the night- just as it did as a young child (Mom- thank you for teaching me this passage- do you remember us reciting it over and over again in the Philippines when I was 6 years old and scared?).

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
³ He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

Psalm 23

Sweet Lyla Grace | Newborn Photography

Meet 3 week old Lyla Grace! Last week McKenzie (my partner in crime, baby whisperer, & sherpa bestie) and I visited our friend and new Mama, Katey. We arrived with Starbucks treats in hand, ready for pictures and lots of baby cuddles. When would I ever say no to that!? Miss Lyla already loves tutus and headbands- can you tell? Katey did an amazing job decorating Lyla's nursery (wish I captured a bit more). Blush and mint are the perfect accent colors for this sweet little girl.

It is evident that Katey and Kyle are already such amazing parents. Such a darling (& funny-- check out Kyle's blog) family. 

Thanks for a great afternoon, girls! Kyle, I know you are bummed you missed out on the fun.

 PS- Lyla is going to be quite the stylish little thing....

I may have peeked in her closet and Oooo'd and aaahhh'd at the insane level of adorableness.

*Huge thanks to McKenzie for all of her help!*

one rotation down

August brought the conclusion of Andrew's first rotation (or 'clerkship' as they call it) of his 3rd year in Med School. Woohoo! 1 down, many to go. Good news though, he still loves it and still is so passionate about family practice. For his "rural" rotation, Andrew spent 5 weeks in Stayton, Oregon. I enjoyed a few visits to see him and was enthralled with the gorgeous covered bridge just a few blocks away from the adorable bed and breakfast he was roomed at for his time there. Though Stayton is not the ruralist of towns, it's definitely rural compared to our beloved Portland. This experience certainly gave him a taste of what it would look like to live and work in a rural setting. He was also able to work on a project researching some of the social factors for low physician retention in rural settings- a real problem for the US and smaller, rural towns. More than once, he had the dilemma of trying to wash blood out of his white coat. #doctorproblems... All in all, he had a great time and very busy 5 weeks. Now, he's on to OB- a piece of my world. Can't wait to hear his stories and have him experience a bit of what I do each day. 

Since each of the students had the weekend "off" (I don't think they are ever truly off... Andrew still had many hours of work to do this weekend), a few of our friends were able to get together for a little BBQ at our place. Andrew is putting his new grill to good use! We enjoyed chicken and veggie skewers along with classic hot dogs and tasty sides. We also enjoyed the shenanigans that 4 year olds bring to the party. If I would have known little Sam and Kaylen were dressing up, I would have put on my own costume! Ok, maybe not. But, seriously, always a joy to have these giggly beings around. Thankful for sweet friends, their lovely wives, and funny kiddos! 

(We missed you, Christine!)

Here's to rotation #2!

 

 

 

Grandma time

From the time I was a very young girl, Grandma and I have had a special bond. She does with each of us in different ways. She taught me to sew, braid, and burn cookies. She never put up with any wining or complaining- both of which my family would tell you I'm a pro at. Many used to call her Sergeant (though my granddad was the actual Air Force Sergeant). Her house was (and still is) one of adventure, activity, strict organization, cleanliness, and complete creativity. It was always yes ma'am and yes sir- though the Oregonian in me has seemed to fade that southern gal away as the years go on. No matter where we lived (Texas, Boston, the Philippines, Washington, or Oregon), Grandma has stayed ever in touch, involved, and present. From our motor home cross-country trips, to being there with her and my Aunt for my Granddad's last breaths, my memories are both some of the happiest and saddest. It seems that most of our visits over the past few years have been tearful ones. Much to catch up on, much to mourn over, much to dig deep into our hearts about. Telling her that we were expecting was one of my favorite moments- even though it was just over the phone. She knows my heart so well. She knew it was such a happy blessing. It took me a long while to be able to call instead of just text after the miscarriage. I know she was hurting too, and that was enough. But, alas' she came up for an Oregonian visit. That Texas scorching heat is enough to send me away for a few days too.

Bright and early Friday morning, we headed out to Suavie Island Farms as I knew she would enjoy the drive and pretty sights along the way- let alone at the actual farm. The flowers were magnificent. Variety galore! We came home with peaches and great plans for what we would do with them.

All in all, we seem to be all caught up. At least for now...