Triggers & Peace

**Written a month ago, but deciding to share before our baby girl arrives**

Many triggers have come my way these past few weeks. You see, a year ago, I sat on that exam table looking at an ultrasound image of a lifeless tiny baby form. An image that just a few weeks prior showed a heart beating away, a tiny body growing right on track... The silence was deadly. The Doctor took measurements. Silently. I couldn't look at Andrew. Nor could he look at me. He just held my hand and the tears began to fall. No explanation was needed. But, then the silence broke. The Doctor began the spiel where she explains how this isn't my fault. How it's common. How there's nothing we could have done and no way we could have known. Our little one likely just wasn't fit for this life. Those images, that moment, will never be erased from my memory. The minutes following of walking out through the office in front of the perfectly pregnant awaiting patients were painful. Oh, so painful. Not to mention that I had just finished a long stretch of night shift on at work and hadn't slept. That always helps... not. We had to wait in the car for an hour and a half for another appointment confirming what we already knew. I was hungry and tired, but my blotchy, red, tear filled face was no match for anywhere public and Andrew had to somehow use every minute to continue studying for his boards just a few days away. What now, I thought. What on earth, now?

That terrible day began months of me living in a dark place. That terrible day began months of trying to "be okay" and trying to be supportive of my newly pregnant friends. They graciously loved me through my pain and lovingly supported me through the months of treatments trying to get pregnant again. They listened to my anger about the bills that kept rolling in from the D&C my body required. I held such bitterness that my loss of a baby cost more than the birth of a baby.

...I couldn't help but smile when my "Gabriel wildflower" bloomed in the back yard this week. One single orange flower. A gift from above...

Though the weather was bright and sunny, those summer months were dark and dreary in my soul. They were stormy with confused emotions, lack of sleep, and what I believe to be acute depression. I leaned on the Lord, my husband, and friends/family as best I knew how. Then one month's of fertility treatments finally worked. I was overjoyed; but also confused with how to feel. I can only assume that others experiencing similar scenarios have felt some of the same realm of emotions. Will I always feel sad this time of year? I wonder. Was it just that I walked by that same exam room? Was is because I found my crinkled up airline ticket from the week we think that the baby was lost? Many triggers arose that week and I re-mourned our loss. Something tells me I needed to do so before our baby girl arrives. I needed to re-process those emotions and take the time to grieve. 

So, the the coast we went- surrounded by his creation. I dove into God's word. Listened to his promises with open ears and an open heart. Crying out to him, peace came over me. True peace. 

As we await the coming of our daughter, my heart and soul are overwhelmed with excitement. Andrew and I will always remember our first, our loss, the things we learned from it, how we grew, how we leaned on each other and on Christ like never before. But, with open arms, we welcome this baby... and we thank the Lord for the peace he has given.

Uncomfortable

 Polycistic Ovaries- this is what I have. Yes, I'm going to talk about it. 10% of women have this. It is apparently the leading cause of infertility. Polycistic ovaries prevent ovulation (only a tad bit important part of getting pregnant) and the cysts get there because of an overall hormonal imbalance.

It's a doozy. In women like myself, it's partially a mystery in the medical world. The majority of women with PCOS (polycistic ovarian syndrome) are overweight and have insulin resistance, along with an abundance of testosterone. This is not the case with myself. I simply have cysts covering my ovaries (literally covering) and a bit of a hormonal imbalance (minus the testosterone part). Many women with PCOS can get pregnant with healthy lifestyle changes. Again- not the case with myself. 

Dealing with infertility, let alone miscarrying was never something I envisioned having to handle. Does anyone? It came somewhat as a surprise to us. But, here we are, and we are handling it. 

I used to believe that God would never give me anything I couldn't handle. This statement is often quoted among believers (from the verse 1Corinthians 10:13). Now I see the flaw. I see that the Lord will indeed give you more than you can handle. He has given us "more than we can handle" on our own. That's the key. If he only gave us what we could handle on our own, we would never need Him. We would never grow or be challenged to fully lean and trust Him. Instead, the Lord has given us this hurdle, obstacle, quest- whatever you might call it- to grow and learn what it looks like to lean fully on Him. We were comfortable before this. We were all good. Yes, there was the stress of work, school, not seeing one another, etc. But, we were good. Looking back now, I see that we were not feeling challenged in our walk with the Lord. When comfortable, we take things for granted. When comfortable, we don't see the work of the Lord around us. We were comfortable. 

In this confusing time, this painful time, we are uncomfortable. We are challenged to make difficult decisions, challenged to lean and turn our eyes upon Jesus with each one. There are many routes one can take. Each with different paths. We are navigating those paths while continuing to live our daily lives and point others to Christ's light amidst our struggles. 

I am finding peace with our loss of Gabriel, but still very much grieving the whole infertility piece. It's a daily struggle, a monthly let down. It's expensive, it comes with many nasty side effects, it's just plain hard. It means asking for strength each hour of the day. It means asking for peace each minute of the day. It means surrendering my fears each second of the day. 

Much easier said than done.

By the grace of God, I get to work with women and babies each day. By the provision of God, I work where my passions lie. It's truly a blessing. While grieving the loss of our first baby and navigating our way through this dreaded infertility, it is also only by the grace and strength of God that I get through each day at work. There is much I remain thankful for. Mostly- my supportive, loving husband. He knows just how to calm my heart, my worries. Jenna, "there's no time limit on the love we have to offer our children... no matter when they come, it will be joy and blessings." Wise words. He's certainly a gift. No other man would I ever want to walk through this life with. I remain thankful for such supportive friends and family. They keep me going. Keep me encouraged. I feel their prayers and am forever grateful. 

I have hard days, very down days. Most recently nightmares...  Satan trying to grab hold of my heart and my mind. The devil will not succeed, he will not grab a foothold. Instead, I am challenged to abide in God. To acknowledge Him in all that I do. To seek his righteousness and the stillness only He can offer.

Psalm 23 still remains my heart's prayer. It still is what comforts me in the middle of the night- just as it did as a young child (Mom- thank you for teaching me this passage- do you remember us reciting it over and over again in the Philippines when I was 6 years old and scared?).

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
³ He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.

Psalm 23