Awesomes & Awkwards

 Leaving my tennis shoes on the front porch over night and going on morning walks in sun-warmed soles. It's the best feeling. Running into spider webs on my walks and then doing my spiders-get-off-me-dance is the worst. At least the neighborhood gets a show.

 Fresh, ripe tomatoes from my dying plants. They look pretty hideous in the front yard and certainly highlight my lack of gardening skills- but they keep producing. My neighbors probably chuckle each time they pass by, but I don't see their plants yielding red tomatoes, so there. Maybe I'm on to something...

 Andrew and I don't talk much when he's away. We are usually on opposite schedules. It's amazing how much we are both okay with it (mostly amazing how much I am okay with it). I know and trust that he is working hard, and he knows the same of me. And, we know that we'll see each other in a few days and hopefully catch up then. Maybe last year's Air Force training was good husband-away-training too. I had a much harder time last summer with very limited contact. But, a simple "hi, had a good day, you ok? love you, goodnight" is plenty for now and we make do. Add a few emoji pics in there too and I'm a happy wife. Or, maybe it's because losing Gabriel put things into perspective. There are worse things than not having Andrew home every day. Far worse...

 When opening our 2 year anniversary cards, a table setting card fell from the envelope. At our wedding, each table was titled with an attribute from the "love is" verse in 1st Corinthians. The card that fell read "patience." All fell quickly quiet in the depths of my soul. How perfect. The one thing I have been praying and pleading God for most is just that- Patience. It's what I need most right now. So- to whoever put that card in there, thank you. Love is patient...

 My sister is coming to visit with baby Reid in a few weeks! I'm beyond thrilled to get to spend time with my little nephew and enjoy his 3-month self. Better yet- my Grandma is visiting in a few shorter weeks. My grandma is far more than just a grandma- she's kind of like a best friend. Really truly. So thankful. See you soon!

 Our puny little window A/C unit is my bestie. My day-sleeping-when-working-self would be simply miserable without that little guy by my side. Tossing and turning in puddles of sweat- ugh, been there. It ain't pretty. A/C, you're a life saver.

  I think this entire summer may end up being a bit of a blur come a few months from now. I often forget what month it is. What time of year. I feel stuck in May/June. Not wanting to move past. I left something someone behind. I want a do-over.  It's truly how I feel and I can't quite explain it; but time is a bit of a blur. I'm still moving through the blur and the fog, but my heart remains in June.

 Every time I go to Trader Joe's, I ask myself why I don't go there more. It's heavenly. It makes me excited about eating healthier. Always a pleasant experience, always delicious eats. The only trouble is planning out meals to beat the expiration dates. First world problem? Yes, indeed...  :/

 Going to the bathroom at Costco with Isaac... I'd held it for far too long. I grabbed the handicap stall and hoped that when I put him down, he wouldn't try to crawl under stalls- touch anything, etc. It was an experiment indeed, but went better than I expected. I set him on his feet and did my business while he literally didn't move an inch. just looked around- unsure of where he was, what was happening, or what he should do. Haha, it was perfect, but I realize that I may not be so lucky next time. These are the things you don't think about when having kids...

Weekend iLife

This weekend included many of my favorite things. The "weekend" did start with Friday and ended with Monday by the way. 4 day weekend = Nurse perks!

Friday- I so enjoy watching little Isaac. He just tags along with my day and we find fun along the way. Lots of talking, pointing, and exploring. He is at such a fun, happy age (14 months) and seriously cracks me up! Isaac is a little water baby... we stayed at the fountain for an hour and a half and only had to leave because it was nap time. He likely could have spent all day there. Oh, darling boy, you are dearly loved by so many.

 Saturday-  BBQ for the birthday boy, Andrew! More on our last minute BBQ to come later... But it was great!

 Sunday was a day of rest. Much needed. Post church, Andrew and I enjoyed cooking up a delicious biscuit brunch and took the kind of nap that only Sundays offer. During the week, it's so quiet without him, but I'm so thankful that we have been able to coordinate semi-frequent visits.

Monday-  Sunshine, fresh fruit, dear friends, salt & straw ice cream, and a sweet and funny little 4 year old made for a winner of a day. Need I say more?

So thankful for a great stretch off work. Much needed; much appreciated.

bits of light

It's been 6 weeks since finding out we miscarried.

In that time, I have found little bits of light and little positives- if you will. First of all, being open about becoming a member of the 'miscarrying club' has brought forth countless sweet conversations with other members of this awful club. Some old, some brand new. These have brought both heartache and encouragement. Some of these women were farther along, some less- but we each have one thing in common- we lost a precious little life so dear to our hearts and will forever hold a piece of our hearts for those lives.

The wildflower weeds that I so sadly ripped out from the front yard after my d&c bloomed. I suppose that I missed a few. Maybe on purpose- just to see what would happen. I know it's silly, but I planted handfuls of these seeds the day I found out I was pregnant. I sprinkled them with a beautiful picture in mind. A colorful flower bed- a welcoming refuge for butterflies; you get the picture. After 12 weeks, when nothing had bloomed and only weeds arose, I went to the yard and weeded away. I scraped and pulled. All I could think of was that the same exact thing had just occurred in my womb. But, alas, the remaining 'weeds' have bloomed. Just a few, but enough. All pinks, purples, and blues. One orange flower. Every time I see that one orange flower, I am refilled with hope. I think of Gabriel, and I am brought a small bit of peace.

Though apart, Andrew and I have grown in our prayer-life. When together, our evenings are filled with heartfelt cries to our Lord. We pray for each of our pregnant friends and their darling babies- we thank God for the weeks we had with our own baby and the desire to be parents that is buried deep in our hearts. Our prayer times provide a pathway to simultaneously and fully open our hearts to each other and to God. These moments are when my heart both smiles and cries most. In these moments, I see the fullness of Andrew's heart; and I am overwhelmed with thankfulness. In these moments, I feel the depth of God's love for me. Through Andrew's embrace, I feel God's comforting arms holding me tight. For this I am thankful.

I have learned that I am not in control. I am at the end of myself. I am broken. Being the planner that I am, this lesson is one I may have needed to learn and experience first hand for a very long time. 'We can make our plans, but the Lord determines our steps.' Prov 16:9. So true. Lord, determine my steps, guide us in this path. Grant us wisdom and patience. Give me strength as I surrender my plans...


Having this level of transparency brings vulnerability, it brings judgement. But, I know the Lord will deliver, his glory will outshine, his peace conquer, his love move mountains.

Here's to 2 years!

Today marks two years of marriage to my dearest Andrew. 

A blessed, joy-filled 2 years it has been.

We look forward to reading our 2 year Anniversary cards from our wedding reception. Plus, we'll not only be celebrating 2 years of marriage this coming weekend, but Andrew's Birthday as well! I'm so very thankful that Andrew's "rural" rotation is close enough for weekend visits.

I'll leave the rest of my mushy-gushy talk for him, but Happy Anniversary to us!  

---Here are a few fun photos from our happy wedding day--

(Taken by Chris Hunt) 

a last 'hoorah'

For the second time in a row, Andrew is missing out on a Portland summer- major bummer. Med school rotations call him elsewhere- but thankfully he's a lot closer than Alabama this year. Our last 'hoorah' weekend also happened to be the 9 year anniversary of when we started dating. So, celebration and time in the sun was indeed in order. The lovely Sauvie Island called our name. A cool, cloudy summer day turned into a cloudless, sunny, hot day. We picked lavender, berries, and some kale... and enjoyed the refreshing open air. Oh, the farms were both so beautiful. The day was actually quite perfect and a great way to mark the "end" of our short Portland summer together. 

I'm so thankful for an entire weekend together. We needed it. It's a difficult time for Andrew to be leaving, but I'm staying strong, and I'm so incredibly thankful that he's close enough for a visit every now and then. Now, go get em' babe- go learn from your doctor preceptor and patients. Keep humble, get rest, stay calm, and remember that this is the path the Lord has for you. I'm so blessed to see you turning into the man God has made you to be- the Doctor He is molding you to become. You have a heart of gold, a sharp mind, a soft and compassionate spirit. I love you so much and I'm so very proud and thankful to be your wife and support you through this.
Miss you already.