grace

There are so many words I want to say. And, at the same time, none at all. 

I'm in awe that this life grew inside of me for so long. That those kicks and punches were hers. 

There's something overwhelmingly beautiful about holding our baby in my arms while worshiping at church. Tears usually flow... and flow.. 

I carried lots of anxiety throughout my pregnancy and worried that it wouldn't disappear once she arrived. Now, my heart and soul are simply content. I carry far less anxiety now that she is here and I think much of that is by God's grace. I knew during pregnancy that worrying over her health was not beneficial, nor did it come from the Lord. I tried and tried to surrender my worries, and trust Him.  I certainly did not do a good job. God gave grace. Time and time again.  

 

I look back and see how much protection we had. I see how many prayed for us. I'm so very thankful. In the midst of my worries, our beautiful girl was growing and developing. She arrived in lovely form, made in the image of God. She is a daughter of the King. She is our gracious gift. She is such a joy. 

I have a renewed trust in the Lord. Not because He needed to "prove" himself, but because I can now see more of the picture and journey. God is good. God provides and protects. 

Sweet Bonnie, "He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection." Psalm 91:4

Bump love

 

A year ago last week, we were finding out about our first pregnancy with Gabriel. Such joy filled our hearts. Abounding joy! As spring has fully arrived, I cannot help but remember those sweet weeks with our first babe and also re-feel sadness that we never got to hold that precious one in our arms. I am reminded of how spring turned into a warm and depressing summer, which then turned into a hopeful late Fall when we learned of our pregnancy with this little one in November. Winter was worrisome and fear filled my soul. Coming full circle, now the warm air fills my lungs with hope and happiness. Flowers bring luminous color that are a reminder of God's faithfulness. Our hearts are once again filled with overflowing joy and I anxiously await meeting the little human under this bump of mine. 

As Easter approaches, I think specifically of the trust Jesus had in his heavenly Father. Jesus knew of the pain and suffering he would feel on the cross. He even asked God to remove this cup from him-- to change plans so to speak. Oh, how many times did I plead with the Lord to give us back our sweet Gabriel. Oh, how many times I cried out in sadness and pain pleading for this to all just be a dream. But, ultimately, Jesus trusted God and remained faithful. Even while suffering on the cross, he reached out to the thief next to him offering forgiveness. I am challenged to have such faith, trust, and courage. It isn't easy living the day to day following heart ache. Many lessons are learned. The greatest for me being that I do not control this life of mine. As someone who lived hour to hour from her planner, this was quite the lesson to learn. But much needed. I don't know why tragedy happens, why innocent lives are lost. But, I know that I trust in God's plan for my life. Today's encouraging verse on my iPhone app reads, "But as it is written, 'what no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

I could not have imagined the life I have. I would not have planned it necessarily so. But I'm ever thankful that someone greater is in control. He has a beautiful plan for this life of ours. It is so difficult to see in the day to day, but even over the past year, I see immense beauty. I hope to look back 5, 10, 20 years from now and feel the same though I know that new heartaches will arise. 

Happy Easter week to you!

This was a spur of the moment, ten minute "let's get some real photos since I'm actually dressed nice" outing. Andrew lovingly agreed and did an amazing job. He has learned a lot through my photography journey and I think that he probably does a better job on the shooting portion. We went back to our favorite spot down the road. Last year's Christmas photo was taken on these same tracks and I look forward to taking more in the coming year as each season will bring something (or someone) new. 

It's strange editing photos of myself but I'm so thankful to have these and cherish each one. I only wish we brought the tripod and got Andrew in some of these. Maybe next time!

23 Weeks | Baby Reyna

 Today marks 23 weeks of pregnancy. Our sweet baby girl is the size of an eggplant at 1.3 pounds and 11.8 inches. As you can see, we are enjoying a spring break getaway at the coast with Andrew's family. What a treat it has been. 

We are chugging right along but the medical side of me is sure anxious to reach next week's mark (point of viability). Speaking of anxiety, each week seems to bring some new concern or issue. The Lord has protected us thus far, why is it so difficult to continue trusting and give up my fears? It's human nature. I truly believe that the devil uses fear as a foothold. And boy is it a strong one. A storm is rolling in as I type this. The wind is powerful, the waves crash on the shore, and the rain hits the window with force. I am reminded of God's strength. His might. 

“The seas have lifted up, O LORD, the seas have lifted up their voice; the seas have lifted up their pounding waves. Mightier than the thunder of the great waters, mightier than the breakers of the sea—the LORD on high is mighty” Psalm 93:3-4. 

I always thought pregnancy to be such a wonderful time- full of excitement and joy. Don't get me wrong, it certainly is. What a blessing it is to be carrying this life. But, I had no idea the amount of worries and fears I would carry each day. Maybe this wouldn't be so if we hadn't lost our first. Maybe it wouldn't be this difficult if I were another type of nurse. Or maybe it would. Trust me, I know and have seen far too much. All the more reason to place my trust and faith in my Lord. All the more reason not to give the devil this foothold. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, this takes daily effort and hourly prayer. It takes encouraging friends who seem to always know the right words to say. It takes a husband who will listen to my fears and worries and calm each one. It takes a dear mother who I know prays for me daily and who checks in frequently. It mostly takes centering my mind and spirit on the grace and providence of God. It takes surrendering my fears and worries and being okay with the outcome because my trust and faith in the Lord's plan for my life is greater than the path I would choose for myself.

Sweet baby girl, I know that worrying does no good. Fear is not healthy. But I also know that I can't do this on my own. I know that God gives us storms to weather and the strength to get through; what a beautiful storm this is. How I can't wait to see your darling face, to hold your little body on my chest. In this waiting time, this growing time, I am doing my best to surrender these fears. Keep moving, keep growing. How I pray that you will know the Savior's love. I pray that your faith will be stronger than your mamas. That your soul will overflow with trust in the midst of your deepest heartache. We love you so very much sweet girl.

I've been so calmed and encouraged by the following song by Hillsong United. Not only is it beautiful, but speaks such truth.

Oceans

'Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide...When fear surrounds me, you never fail and you won't stop now. So I will call up on your name.  And keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul will rest in your embrace. I am yours. And you are mine.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander. And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior.'

Around here

Our home is happy around here these days. It's a nice change from what seemed like a very long and dark summer. Perhaps it's happy because I woke up this morning with the craziest boost of energy for which I used to deep clean the house. Windows, floors, and all. Whew! I'm liking these 2nd trimester little bouts of energy. When it comes, I run with it!

 

Perhaps it's happy because we've had a few loved ones as visitors over the past month.

My sister and nephew stayed with us for a few days in early January. What a joy to have little Reid around. His smile is contagious. His little baby cheeks are irresistible. I wish you could see this child eat real food. He's quite the patient & polite little fella. He sits with his mouth wide open, ready. What a sweetie. We also learned that baby-proofing the house needs to happen asap. This little guy is quite the explorer and got into everything. Children truly are a gift. I love watching my sister delight in her son. And I love being Auntie.

 

 Perhaps it's happy because little bits of life surround us. From photos of favorite spots, to each of our baby ultrasounds on the fridge, to a few lively plants, to the above meaningful painting of "Rock Gabriel" from my Dad. The day Andrew and I told my family we were expecting our first baby, Dad and I took a daddy/daughter date, chased the light, and painted this view as the sun was setting. What a meaningful little gift this was to me. A day to be remembered, a moment frozen in time. Dad, thank you  for this beautiful piece that livens our home.

Perhaps it's happy because Andrew always seems to be happy. He even wakes up happy. Sweet, giddy, and happy. Every morning, it still catches me off guard. I can't help but start the day with a smile waking up next to him (a nice change from the past 2.5 years of working nights and not being on the same sleep/wake schedule). 

Andrew is currently in the middle of his Psych rotation. This means that he spends his work days on the inpatient psych unit. As you can certainly imagine, it's quite the interesting place. He continues to keep a positive attitude and amazes me with how he takes each rotation and tries to find every way that it can apply to his future as a family practice physician. Andrew is already planning his next (& last!!!) year's schedule. It's exciting to think that the light is in sight and that this med-school journey is nearing an end. This week's sermon addressed the idea that besides salvation, people are the best gift God could give us. I couldn't agree more and am thankful every day that God gave me Andrew. What a gift.

Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle

 Today would have marked the start of a 3 month count down to baby Reyna. That count down has long disappeared, except privately in my heart and mind of course. Because, this is what you think about when you miscarry. At least I do. The love for that sweet child doesn't go away. 18, 20, 28 weeks, would be getting the nursery ready, etc... These are all thoughts that run through my mind. Yes, time helps, but sadness lingers. Finally erasing all of my old OB appointments from the calendar and deleting those oh-so-informative pregnancy apps helped. Though it was hard to do so, I imagine it somewhat similar to cleaning out the closet of a lost loved one- though I know that is far worse. Difficult, but so necessary, and a healing step to moving on. 

Distractions are good. Family visitors, vacations, filling time with work or outings. Isn't that what we do? We fill and fill our time. We try to forget. We try to ignore. We "fake it" till we make it. Because time moves onward. More time and more disappointment. For a while, distractions work. Then I'm left with the aching depths of my soul, the cries of my heart, and a Heavenly Father holding me close hearing every thought and lovingly responding, 'All is okay my daughter. I will give you patience, I will give you peace, I will give you stillness of heart. Trust in me. Lay your burdens and heavy heart on me.'

I am currently reading a book called, One Thousand Gifts.  Besides making me quite tearful (of course while on an airplane), this book has been challenging me to be thankful. "Thanksgiving always precedes the miracle" (Ann Voskamp).  Hours before Jesus died on the cross, what did he do? He gave Thanks to God. What?!?  He knew what was to come, the cruel death, the pain. And he still gave thanks. Yes, he most certainly did. He gave us this example in the worst of circumstances to pause and give thanks. He models giving thanks before taking the bread and wine, before eating each meal. He models this recurring time of re-focussing on God. The reoccurring re-centuring of the mind and heart. Thankfulness for the smallest of things. The tiniest of moments. It changes the way I look at the world. It changes the way I view my day to day. It slowly changes my heart and my often glass-half-empty mindset. 

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Corinthians 5:18

Like the author of this book (Anne Voskamp), I have started making mental note of little thanks. Little gifts throughout the day. Little bits of grace. Go ahead, try it. The season for thankfulness is nearly upon us, right? Seems a fitting time to start working this into my day to day.

1. The bright golden sun turned burnt orange during my flight home.

2. The kind, just-because-I'm-thinking-about-you text from a sweet friend.

3. The sparkle of my engagement and wedding rings.

4. The refreshing sound of ice clinking in my white mocha.

5. The warmth of socks on my feet.

7. Walking hand in hand with my love, swinging our arms to the beat of the waves crashing beneath our feet.

8. City and Colour Pandora station- love.

9. Companionship of like-minded & like-hearted friends.

10. Forehead kisses and I love you's before bed.

11. Sand stuck between my toes.

12. Sun-born freckles on my face.

13. The little 'G' that circles my neck and wrist that makes me smile.

14. Daily picture texts of my darling nephew.

15. Silly hashtag-filled texts from my dad.

No thanks is too small. None.

I have much to be thankful for. So very much.

As fall encroaches upon us, I am filled with feelings of restoration. The crisp air offers hope. The changing leaves mark a new season's story that I pray will be filled with more joy and more thankfulness.

PS- You should read this book. Especially if you are holding on to a hurt, bitterness, sadness...