grace

There are so many words I want to say. And, at the same time, none at all. 

I'm in awe that this life grew inside of me for so long. That those kicks and punches were hers. 

There's something overwhelmingly beautiful about holding our baby in my arms while worshiping at church. Tears usually flow... and flow.. 

I carried lots of anxiety throughout my pregnancy and worried that it wouldn't disappear once she arrived. Now, my heart and soul are simply content. I carry far less anxiety now that she is here and I think much of that is by God's grace. I knew during pregnancy that worrying over her health was not beneficial, nor did it come from the Lord. I tried and tried to surrender my worries, and trust Him.  I certainly did not do a good job. God gave grace. Time and time again.  

 

I look back and see how much protection we had. I see how many prayed for us. I'm so very thankful. In the midst of my worries, our beautiful girl was growing and developing. She arrived in lovely form, made in the image of God. She is a daughter of the King. She is our gracious gift. She is such a joy. 

I have a renewed trust in the Lord. Not because He needed to "prove" himself, but because I can now see more of the picture and journey. God is good. God provides and protects. 

Sweet Bonnie, "He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection." Psalm 91:4

Bonnie Grace | Birth

Friday, July 25th at 8:35 pm, our beautiful daughter made her entry into this world. Welcome, sweet Bonnie Grace. 

We are overjoyed that she is here safely. Let me tell you, she truly is the sweetest little baby girl. 

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We checked in for an induction around midnight on Thursday. Upon check in, I was 2cm dilated, 60% effaced. Here we are getting all set up & cozy in our room. Early labor signs had started earlier that day... so I felt more relieved that my body was indeed gearing up for delivery.

 

Andrew and I wholeheartedly agreed that whatever happened, our end goal was a healthy mom and healthy baby. I appreciated him writing our goal on the large whiteboard in the room as a nice reminder.  

 

Sleeping had been near impossible for the last few nights. However, I was able to catch a 45 minute nap before things got more serious in the morning. Poor Andrew had rushed home at 11:45pm that night from his last day of rotation to pick me up and check in at the hospital. He was exhausted and got a tad bit more sleep than I did, but certainly not much. Sleepy, but smiling!

Though I was contracting every 2-3 minutes (which I had sporadically been doing for weeks), I convinced my nurse to let me eat a little bit before real labor started. I now regret all that I ate... but I was starving!

Baby girl was doing great through the contractions all day and I had to try very hard not to pay attention to the monitor. It was difficult to turn off my OB nurse brain and just be mommy Jenna.

Pitocin was started first thing in the morning to try and ramp up the strength of my contractions. We walked the halls many times in the next few hours to try and help things along. 

Around noon, things got serious and painful real fast...  

 

 

My mom and dad stayed nearby in the waiting room/around the hospital in case Andrew needed a break or we needed extra help. Every once in a while, it was nice to have my mom come in for a few minutes and check in. Andrew did a fantastic job of keeping family otherwise updated.

 Prior to being induced, I was convinced that though baby girl was correctly head down, she was facing the wrong direction (we call that Occiput Posterior/OP or sunny-side-up in the OB world). This positioning can cause insanely painful "back labor." And... that's what I had. As things progressed and baby continued to descend, I wasn't able to stand, sit, or lay down. Hands and knees was the only position I could even think about tolerating.

 

After a solid 3 hours of back labor, I ran out of new ways to be on my hands and knees and cope with the pain. I was also vomiting up a storm left and right, and shaking like crazy. I couldn't even think about pushing on my back, nor could I think about anything except for getting an epidural. And, so, against my original hope and plan, I did. Relief at last. "Now is your opportunity to rest, and I encourage you to," said my nurse. "You could be pushing for a few hours." I had asked for a lighter epidural, and that's what I got. It was just the right amount to allow me to relax but still feel pressure and gentle contractions.

 Two hours later, I called my nurse in to check me because I was feeling tons of pressure. Sure enough, I was almost completely dilated and Andrew could see baby girl's head right there. But, then, within a few minutes, I could feel everything again. The epidural had worn off. Anesthesia eventually came in again to save the day and make me a much more pleasant patient to work with. We had a few kinks and scary moments with too heavy of an epidural re-dose, but after mostly fixing that problem and laboring down, baby girl had done all of the hard work and was ready to come on out. My doc arrived to check in and quickly got ready for delivery after seeing how close baby girl was.

 Twenty minutes of pushing later, and out she came! I loved having the mirror and being encouraged by seeing her progress with each push. When they layed her immediately on my chest, my first thought was, "thank you, Jesus... she's crying, she's pinking up... she's here" followed by, "she's so much bigger than we thought she'd be!"

Having her skin to skin on my chest for her first two hours of life was so special. She started nursing right away too! Andrew patiently waited to hold her in his arms. I can't say enough about how amazing Andrew was. Even on hardly a wink of sleep, he was the most gentle, kind, encouraging, loving support I could have ever asked for. I will cherish those moments forever. It felt right to be just the three of us. So special.

 

Bonnie weighed 7lb 12oz at birth and was 20.25 inches long.

 The next morning, we were brought some delicious gluten free treats in honor of her beautiful birth. Happy Birthday sweet girl; you are so loved.

All in all, our induction and delivery really could not have gone much better. There were hiccups here and there, but most importantly, Bonnie arrived safely and I remained safe and well. Our end goal was met and our darling angel is here. 

We are praising God for her daily and so appreciate prayers and well wishes from friends and family. Thank you!

40 Weeks | Baby Reyna

Forty weeks. Two hundred eighty days. Sweet baby girl, I never thought we'd make it this far, let alone full term. But, you and God had other plans. Silly mama for worrying so much; but how could I not? You are this precious little person kicking around inside and I'm your mom. Isn't that what moms and dads do? I wanted so badly to protect you, to keep you safe, to nurture you and carry you inside for as long as possible. And we made it, sweet one. You made it. 

I sit here in the silence with just the fan blowing. Silence is rare for me as I usually have music playing in the background. But, the silence is nice. You and I in silence, inside, tucked in a little ball, saving up energy to make your appearance. Me too little one; me too. I woke up early this morning to rain drops. The skies were still dark, but the sound put my soul at ease. A beautiful noise after so much heat and sun the past few weeks. Refreshing with a cool breeze. Drip drop. It felt like a gift.

I look down at a large basketball belly and try to imagine it gone. I imagine you swaddled up next to me fast asleep. Your pudgy cheeks plump and round. Maybe you'll have hair like your daddy did when he was a baby. 

I think about this old house of ours. Your little nursery has been waiting for you since we moved in. A friend asked the other day what your room used to be. Always for you. Always intended for baby snuggles and lullabies. For diaper changes and midnight cries. The only part missing is you, sweet one. But not for long.

What a journey this has been. It feels like the marathon of marathons. Each day a stride bringing us closer to this point. Up hill and down hill, each step as important as the last. Each mile marker a victory. The crowd lining the streets has been cheering us on, sweet babe. We have much to be thankful for. Their claps, their encouragement, their prayers have helped nourish us along the way. Thank you, dear friends and family for being our supportive crowd.

 

 //Even the nausea/vomiting was a part of this beautiful journey. I literally did not step foot in our kitchen for weeks on end and would drive across town for a jamba each day. Though difficult, I see how feeling so ill was a gift to set my anxious heart at ease. All was as it should be.//

As the finish line is in sight, so very close, I see God's merciful grace. I see how he has held me upright in the midst of my storms and downpours. I see how he has quenched my thirst when I've felt stranded in the dessert. He knew. He knows. He loves and gave grace. "You of little faith, why are you so afraid?'  Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm." Matthew 8:26. Completely calm. 

My little dear, I will see you very soon. With open arms I wait for you. Know that you've already brought me more joy than I ever could have imagined. Know that I will cherish your midnight kicks and twirls forever... 

See you soon baby girl & happy due date!