June 29, 2013

Therapeutic



There's something about potting these little guys that brought me joy. Gardening has been therapeutic for me these past many months. I've got no green thumb- but just the act of getting outside, being in the dirt, and even feeling those rain drops fall on my back as I pull weeds has been nice. I really don't have much to show for the hours I've spent in the yard, but I've enjoyed them none-the-less.  Maybe it was giving these plants a home- maybe it was the bright green they added to our mostly black and white decor, or maybe it was just getting my hands dirty. Whatever it was, I'm thankful for these oxygen-offering friends of ours. I'm not thankful for the 2 dead mice we have discovered in our yard/garage over the past 2 weeks. Not thankful one bit. sickkkkk. Stay away please....

PS- My Dad made these last 2 pictured pots on his pottery wheel! Pretty amazing right? I love them!
PPS- these photos were all taken with my iPhone 4. It's so much more convenient than lugging around my big camera.  With great lighting, I'm always amazed at the quality of the photos I can get with just my iphone.

June 26, 2013

Confessions

 

 Confessions

//One night away at the Oregon coast was good for my soul- even though it consisted of very little and the worst Mexican food I've ever paid for. //

//We bought a car for Andrew and I'm trying to figure out how to convince him that mine is better so I can keep his for the summer when he leaves. Shhh, don't tell him. Any ideas appreciated...//

//I think my tomato plants may be dying. I really don't need any more unsuccessful plants to go along with my wildflower weeds.//

//I almost made it through my latest work shift without crying. Each day is getting better and less tearful. //

// I've had more coffee in the last 2 weeks than I've had in many, many months. Thanks for getting me through, my friend.//

//I'm on a horrible streak when it comes to venous blood draws on my baby patients at work... I'm zero for six sticks at the moment... Ugh.//

//I think I'm addicted to buying succulents and am a proud new mama to an Aloe plant! Brings back sweet memories of my Mamaw Keith's ranch.//

//I'm leaving what was supposed to be the "nursery" empty (instead of making it into a guest room) even though Andrew thinks it's weird. My heart is open, my home is open, trusting God...//

//I'm overwhelmed with thankfulness for our dear family and friends' support and love over the last 2 weeks. So very thankful and blessed.//

June 20, 2013

Gabriel

If you missed yesterday's post, read it here. All will make more sense... 

**Thank you for all of the love and kind comments we received yesterday via facebook, email, text, etc. Feeling very loved and encouraged. This is once again a post that was written several days ago.**

After the miscarriage, one of my good friends asked if we were planning to name our baby. I had thought about doing so previously, but it felt very strange- especially losing our baby so early in the pregnancy. The more I gave it thought, the more strange it felt for our little one not to have a real name. It made me sad to think about reuniting with our child in Heaven and not being able to call him/her by name. Maybe names don't matter in heaven, but I like to think that they do.

So, we decided to name our sweet baby, Gabriel; meaning 'God is my Strength'. In the bible, the Angel Gabriel brought news of child to the virgin Mary, and to barren Elizabeth. While this baby will always be our little angel baby, I believe that baby Gabriel gave us hope. Hope for future children. Hope for a family. Hope for future pregnancies in the midst of fertility difficulties. This was his/her gift. In God we will find strength. In God I will continue hoping and praying. Gabriel, thank you for giving us this gift. Thank you for bringing us 12 weeks of complete joy. Thank you for showing us just how deeply we desire to be parents. Just how badly our hearts long to love and adore a child. You will always be a part of the story of our family. You will always remain in my heart. Sweet Gabriel, some day in Heaven, I will hold you tightly and call you by name. I will embrace you as my first child and will thank you for bringing me such joy and hope. All our love sweet angel baby.

June 18, 2013

The day our hearts broke

This post was written many days ago and I hadn't planned on posting for a few months. At the moment, I don't see what the benefit of waiting is; and if I wait too long, I fear I'll never post it. Though I'm hesitant, with Andrew on board, I'm ready. I'm ready to share this story and part of our lives.  

The day before we planned to exclaim our great news more publicly, our hearts broke. The day before my calendar read, "12 week-mark!"... ended in pools of tears. Yes, we were expecting. Our hearts and lives forever changed by our sweet growing baby. All seemed so perfect. Too perfect perhaps. With months of trials and heart ache leading up to getting pregnant (as we had discovered that I have fertility troubles-a topic for another day), our growing little one was such a welcomed addition to our family. Words cannot express how joyous I felt, how grateful we were. It was difficult to contain our excitement. Friends and family celebrated along side us. Little "t-rex" (as my parents nicknamed the babe) was loved. Adored. Cherished. This week was a huge week. Monumental. I would have made it to the "safe zone"- 3 months. All prior ultrasounds and blood work had been perfect, all was looking great. Or so we thought...

After 2 co-workers tried to find heart tones during 2 different weeks without success, I began to worry. I realized that all of my nausea had disappeared. This, I thought was great news. Turns out, it wasn't. With these two puzzle pieces put together, concern set in. 

I was in the middle of a work stretch. I couldn't turn off my mind to sleep. Woke up early and found my sweet husband- who just embraced me. We both knew. It was all too clear. The fact that he agreed and just held me while I cried made it more real. He usually would tell me I was over-reacting, or all was fine. But he knew and I'm glad he responded in this honest, heartfelt way. After a few hours of crying, I made it to work. Had a difficult time focusing, tried to doppler myself for heart tones. Nothing.

Called my OB in the morning. Went in with Andrew by my side. Confirmed. Tears. Heartbroken. Many tears. 

Was sent in for a second confirmatory ultrasound. More tears and new images to replay in my mind.

Per the doctor, we had lost our little baby weeks prior. My body has yet to realize this and respond. Part of me is gone. Part of my heart is missing.

I replay each and every week, each day, in my mind. Was it something I did? Was it something I didn't do? Though they tell you, and I  know full-well, that it wasn't anything along those lines, I still can't stop thinking that way. How could I? A mom wants to protect, nurture. But I lost my baby. We lost our little love.

I share this message because this is real life. I am not alone. Many of you reading this have had miscarriages of your own, losses that broke your heart. It's so very common, but that doesn't make it any easier or less hurtful. Society is quiet about miscarriages, but this is a part of our story now. This loss is a part of who I am, and forever will be. God entrusted this life to us and took it away- a trial that we will get through. This I know.

My comforting Lord, loving husband, and thoughtful friends & family are getting me through. Yes, I see pregnant people all around me and it sometimes makes me sad. Working on a birthing unit, women and babies are practically my life. I think of Christmas day (our due date) and I instantly tear up. I think of all of the pages I wrote in our little baby book, and each of the weekly photos we took and I lose it. But, I know God has a plan. I know that our sweet baby was welcomed by our heavenly father with open arms and held tight. I think of my granddaddy watching over him or her for us until we meet again. There will always be a special place in my heart for our first precious little baby, for those 3 months we spent together- though some of them were just in spirit.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:12

In the midst of my hurt, I have hope. In the midst of my sadness, I have joy. In the Lord, I find my strength; In the Lord, I find comfort and peace. I know God has a plan, a great plan. I will be patient as best I am able. And, though it's difficult to comprehend, I know that losing this baby was a gift in some way or another. I have a new place in my heart for women who have experienced losses and I will take no future single day of pregnancy for granted. 

 Each day has been painful. The thought of starting over is more than exhausting. But it will get better, and the Lord will give us strength.

More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance. Romans 5:3

**A few photos from the past 3 months with our little growing babe **
Telling Andrew & catching him off guard with the pregnancy news was so much fun.


A couple of "weekly snapshots." My belly was just starting to grow and show. 
 
***
 I want to reiterate that I don't share this for sympathy. I share this because this is a part of our story. Our family's story. I've always wanted this blog space to be an honest reflection and documentation of our lives, not just the happy and exciting things, but the hard things too. I don't believe that this baby and pregnancy experience is to be ignored or pushed under the rug. This baby was indeed a blessing for 3 months of our lives. Three joyous months. It's amazing how much you can bond with someone you've never met...
***

June 17, 2013

Katey, Kyle, Titus + sweet baby girl bump | Maternity


This lovely couple is expecting an adored little girl next month. Katey and Kyle, and now their dog, Titus, (especially Katey) love Portland's Salt & Straw Ice Cream. We changed our photoshoot location last minute to make this fun outing happen. And, fun it was. I think you can tell from these photos how much these two adore each other and this darling baby. Such a joy to photograph them and I seriously cannot wait to meet this sweet little girl.

Our friend, McKenzie, was right along side as an amazing assistant. Goodness, I love that girl. So thankful she was a part of this photoshoot and was such a huge help.